maybe I am not so fucked as I first thought
well I’m fucked
wait sam, be positive!
i’m positively fucked
I just realized…computers are weird
everything I am melts into the words ”don’t leave”
I count this number 4
"as the sun grows high and you serve your time \ does each day just feel like another lie?"
man I miss you so much and I have no right to
I screwed that up
it’s always worse to say something
evidence that my thought process is ridiculous~
I did badly at clue in part because I was seeing people all day and really exhausted and therefore wasn’t trying very hard but still conflicted and wanting to try a little? and I didn’t do very well, and I start doing these generalizing behaviors like “oh I’m not really smart because I don’t pick up new things quickly like other people do” or “I’m not good at logical thinking” etc. etc. that’s why I don’t like to play board games or video games because if I don’t win I feel terrible and even if I do win winning isn’t fun
so I leave feeling pretty crummy
then it took me forever to fix something really easy for my research that I had messed up because I’m not careful (“never” careful, I would tell myself), and when I emailed back my prof he said he would “look into that” which to me indicates that he doesn’t trust that it’s good, and really why would he, since I keep messing things up?
I’m tired. Not bullying myself is tiring. Good night.
and let the stress begin
A lot of the video sequences I have to manually select good frames from are by this chick named erika. Everyone else will name their files like s_1, s_2, whereas erika names hers stuff like mit_lab_koch_2_november_2012_erika_3. Which is all useful information but it’s just so cumbersome. And whenever I click on a folder and there’s >20,000 jpgs I have to look at I just start cursing at erika, because I’ve been doing this for so long and it’s really not fun and hurling verbal abuse at this imaginary person relieves my frustration and boredom. But this poor girl, she doesn’t even know all the times I’ve muttered “god damn it, erika” or “erika, for fuck’s sake”, and it isn’t even her fault. So I start imagining what erika does, and what she’s like, and what she looks like, etc. Which is kind of fun. I wonder if one of my two imaginary erikas (I couldn’t pick between two) is anything like the real erika. I’ll probably never meet her to find out. Kind of sad.
That didn’t have a point. But man I can’t wait for this to be over. My wrists hurt meh.